Behind Him
by Neji-WarmingUpWinter
Summary: He came to remember, because he couldn't forget. But maybe all be had to do was move on. KaiShin


Disclaimer: Nope.

.:::.

**Behind Him**

Long, slender fingers brushed at the grass, old and wilting in the area from the lack of rain and water. It was the place where, four years ago,_they_ had attacked him, and he had been shrunk into Conan.

For the last two years, he had come. The first time, only months after he had received the cure from Haibara. This was his third time.

The pain he had experienced the first time he returned was almost excruciating – but now, it was dulled, almost scarred over. But it was still there, in a noticeable, but mental, place. Looking at it every day, not voluntarily.

Ran had taken the news surprisingly well. Listened to the whole story, although not immediately forgiving him, she had accepted the whole thing quite well. And he himself was surprised when he wasn't all that hurt when she brought home a new boyfriend to introduce to him, a_certain_ clumsy classmate from school.

He'd seen the Shounen Tantei around, when they came around to the hakase's for a snack or even dinner, as Haibara herself had refused to take the antidote, even if the Black Organization was not around anymore. He had caught himself looking at them almost longingly before – like he wished he was still with them.

That he was still Conan.

He didn't know what he wanted anymore.

It was also why he always came on this day, like that day, only without Ran's company. He found that he like the –sort of– peace. Murders seemed to let him free for that day. But it only made him drown in the memories.

He wondered when the wound would completely scar over, and left, forgotten. Maybe it would. Maybe it would never.

He didn't really know anything anymore.

He didn't know what he felt when he watched the others – watched Ran and Eisuke, Hattori and Kazuha, the Shounen Tantei and Haibara – didn't know what he wanted. Was it their happiness, the way they could just run around with no worry on their shoulders? Or was it because they simply had a friend? It was a confusing topic, one that depressed him. He wanted to know what he wanted.

It was pathetic.

Straightening himself up again, he dusted himself off. A quick glance at his watch told him the time was ten at night, and that he should be heading home, somewhere he really did not want to be. The house was too big, too _empty_. It was a feeling he hadn't felt in years, if he ever had felt it at all.

It was as if he expected to be turned back every year.

Next year, he would not come back, return. He would forget about this place, all its happenings, and all the memories, good or bad, that clung on. Remembering it only as a faint memory, as if it was a dream.

He told himself something along those words every year.

But every year prior, for the last two years, he had broken that promise. He just could not forget it all. He didn't even know if he really wanted to.

But if he wanted to, would he have kept coming?

.:::.

Another year had passed by, and back he was again, in the same place. Broken his promise to himself again, like he had years prior.

"Back again, Meitantei?"

He jumped, spinning around. He couldn't really say the sight surprised him. He had heard that voice often over the course of the past few months. The phantom thief, clad in white, was leaning casually against the wall, at the place where Vodka and the other businessman had done their exchange. "Why are you here, KID?"

He was supposed to be alone tonight. But maybe a bit of company wouldn't hurt.

The mysterious, yet alluring smile was flashed his way. "Secrets cause hefty memories, don't they?" A long time ago, he might have scoffed, but since he'd had his share of it, he could only find the heart to retort.

"And you would know?" his retort itself was light, but questioning. Maybe he hadn't always pictured the thief to have a perfect civilian life, but it certainly wouldn't be as heavy as his, considering KID's humongous number of crazy fangirls. Their situations were plenty different – right?

"As well as you do," the responding tone was as light as his, "maybe even more. Not everyone likes me, and not everyone is certainly as forgiving as Mouri-chan."

His own mouth was open, ready to speak, but the only thing that came out was stutters. "KID –"

"Why do you always return?"

His voice was oddly devoid of emotion as he replied the question he was at full liberty not to. "Because I can't forget. It's easier to just remember."

"Can't forget, or just doesn't want to move on?"

He stopped short. He had never really considered it that way before. He had always focused on him forgetting the whole incident, but never really considered the 'moving on' perspective of the whole ordeal – he had considered them almost the same. It had been that one sentence that made him consider. "I consider them the same thing," he answered shortly, not an inkling of his thoughts showing through.

"Don't give me that, Meitantei-kun, you know the difference perfectly well. Did you or did you not move on from Mouri-chan?"

It flipped his view around again. Now that he really did think about that aspect...he did move on. And he didn't forget Ran. He couldn't have, anyway. They were still best friends. "I...guess."

"And of course you guess," he glared slightly at the almost mocking tone, not catching the laughter behind it, "so what do you say about taking a day off, Meitantei?"

"...A day off?"

"Just taking you on a date, Meitantei-kun."

The blood rushed into his cheeks as soon as the words sunk in. A _date_? But, he did want a break from it all... "Fine."

He smiled softly as the other took his hand, a faint flush rising.

It was what he had felt that time, the foreign feeling he felt, when he watched the others with their friends, the Shounen Tantei. He wanted the accompaniment. Wanted real acceptance. Someone he could voluntarily share his secrets with, someone who wouldn't judge him.

He finally knew what he wanted, and had it.

Yes, he supposed, it was time to move time. He could revisit this place all he wanted, as the old memory. Remember the fond time during his stay as Conan. Not to forget the incident, but to leave it...behind him.

.:::.

_Then don't forget, move on...leave it..._

.:::.

A/N: I think I'm losing my touch – totally out of practice, and it has only been so long. It went a totally different direction from what I originally planned. It turned out so _awkward_. Tell me, what do you want next, a one-shot, a chapter, or a new chapter story? HeiShin or HakuShin (not at all related to previous question)? –100 percent off topic– /maimed

Couldn't resist~ Sorry, my sense of humor is horrible.

Omake:

It was a while before he took care to glance at the clock as the other led him out of the park. It was when the time registered that he realized it was no wonder everyone was cleaning up, the amusement park closing. He turned to shoot a glare at his partner, who was only wearing an –not so– innocent smirk.

"Patience, Meitantei-kun, we're almost there."

"Wait a second! Where in the world are you taking me at eleven o'clock at _night_?"


End file.
